He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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