I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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