Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
