Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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