I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
