just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
