I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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