Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize