Someone shit on the floor
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
