Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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