Whatcha textin bout Willis?
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
