i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
