Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(613): View more from Ontario

Sorry, I don't speak sober.

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(210): View more from Texas

masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.

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(845): View more from New York

I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting

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(806): View more from Texas

That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.

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(616): View more from Michigan

No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.

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(954): View more from Florida

In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?

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(330): View more from Ohio

I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.

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(317): View more from Indiana

According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?

(513): View more from Ohio

Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?

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