wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
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