My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
