when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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