I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
