We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize