I murdered the dance floor call the cops
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
