Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Randomize
