my room smells like sperm. sweet.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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