On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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