That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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