Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
