when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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