The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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