Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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