New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
do nipples grow back?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize