Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
