Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
