all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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