My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I need a burrito and a hug.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
