dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
