i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
