You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
bring money and cleavage
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I have aggressive nipples.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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