I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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