I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
