3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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