So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
