I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
