It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
