I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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