I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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