apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
