Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
