theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
