turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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