i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
