I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
