I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
