When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
