Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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