I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
