well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
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