Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
