remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize