ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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