Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
