In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
i think im in europe. pls send help
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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