why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
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