the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
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