I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
