i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize